New Goals

I got out of bed at 7am yesterday, imagine that.  Willingly too.  I had an appointment with my psychologist at 11am, and clinic later that day.  Even with that early start I had myself all flustered and rushed before leaving the house.  Nearly didn’t make it through the hospital door.  But anyway, my psychologist was very pleased with how I’ve been doing and I don’t need to visit her again, unless I feel a slip in my mood again.  I’m definitely feeling so much more positive and working harder than I have in a long time to keep myself well, mentally as well as physically.  The only problems I have currently are the ones with the house, and they aren’t going to go away anytime soon so I just have to learn to deal with them and be a little more patient.

It turned out that I wasn’t even booked in to clinic yesterday, for whatever reason.  Luckily they saw me regardless.  My blows were 2% higher than 8 weeks ago, back at my baseline.  I’ve been telling myself they could have been higher if I wasn’t choking on acid reflux all morning, but I’m very happy with my numbers and so was my doctor.  What I wasn’t too pleased about was my weight.  My BMI was calculated yesterday at about 26.  Not too bad really I guess, especially if I were to fall ill with a chest infection, the extra weight would help give me the strength to fight it off.  I have had situations in the past when my weight was on the low side and I had very little energy and it took me quite a while to get back to my usual self.  What is bothering me the most is how I feel in my body and in my clothes.  I feel humungous!  My jeans are tight and making me feel super uncomfortable.  I was so pissed off the other day trying to get dressed I felt like going shopping for some maternity wear.  That is exactly how I look, 6 months pregnant.  Sitting in Starbucks between appointments I couldn’t help myself looking at any girls that walked past and all I could think was how odd I must look compared to them.  I had a good chat with my dietician, not someone I’ve needed a lot of advice from in the past, except when I needed some help with a non-existent appetite at one point.  Imagine that, me with a non-existent appetite!  Basically she told me what I already knew, common sense really, eat less and move more.  I need to watch my portion size, maybe cut out the odd energy drink and regular take-away.  I need to get out of the house more, instead of sitting on my bum and watching repeats of Friends.  She did recommend www.myfitnesspal.com, an online tool to help me keep track of what I eat and any exercise I do.  I put in my details, how much I’d like to lose and goals to meet everyday.  I’ve only logged in 3 days worth of details, but so far, it seems it might help.   I’m not aiming to lose too much weight, just enough to keep me healthy and make my clothes fit like they used to.  I do believe I have the weight to thank for helping my steady lung functions, so I don’t what to give that up completely.  I’m going to carry on with not being too hard on myself, I’m not going to expect wonders. I’m pretty sure I’ll succumb to the temptation of a tasty pizza or Chinese take away at some point. I plan to start attempting some different home cooked meals, maybe that will help take my mind off chicken in black bean sauce with fried rice and chips…

I’m sure over the next few months, with support from Rob and my CF team I’ll make some progress, while keeping a close eye on my lung functions, I just hope I don’t find it too difficult and end up beating myself up over every meal that pushes me over my daily calorie goal!

xxx

 

I Hope You Haven’t Forgotten Me!

I think it’s about time I updated.  I’ve been meaning to write a post all week as it’s CF Week in the UK.  Not that it makes a difference, I should try and blog more regularly.

Since my last post in February, I’ve not needed IVs or oral antibiotics, YAY!  My last clinic appointment was in March and there wasn’t much change compared to clinic in February, just a slight decrease in lung functions.  I’ve continued to see my psychologist and she has been a big help.  I may still be suffering from my usual irritability and weirdness, but I’ve been much happier and motivated to do things.  Sketching has become as fun as it used to be, I’m not being as hard on myself and I’ve produced some good pieces.  The creative writing is coming along very, very slowly.  I’m finding it much more difficult, probably just because it’s all very new to me still, sketching is something I’ve enjoyed since I was little.  My daily routine is improving, I’m working on fitting every one of my treatments in and it’s getting better, I’ve been doing lots of physio and feeling so good for doing it.  I’ve even noticed a difference from last week when I took the dogs for a walk, I was feeling breathless and tight quite quickly, now it was my legs giving in before my lungs!

Rob and I had a little holiday in his home town for a few days last month, for his mum’s birthday. Lot of good food and drink was had, but it was still nice to get home.  Well, until we noticed more work to be done on the house, sad times.  There seems to be a plan in motion though to fix the place up which has pleased me quite a bit, I’m fed up of worrying about this house!

Another pick me up this week, I ordered my new car!  I don’t get it until July, but I’m very excited.  Even when Ford seemed to rip me off I had a hard time not being excited!  I’ve a little saving to do as the advanced payment it higher than I was expecting to pay, but it’ll be worth it.  I will miss my lovely magenta Ford Fiesta though but probably not for long.

I believe that is all I have to say for now.  I have another check up on May 16th, fingers crossed I have good blows!  I hope to continue my stretch with no IVs for another while yet!

Here’s one of my most recent quick sketches:

Lauren x

Attempting To Think Clearly

Let’s forget about this 30 day challenge, because I’m obviously not gonna complete it anytime soon. I really wasn’t as interested in taking part in this challenge as I thought I was. Oh well, maybe another time.

Since my last proper post I’ve managed to not need IVs, but I did come close. The low mood continued for a while longer, I struggled with getting any treatments done and this was apparent in my lung function results at the end of January. I was due a review two weeks later, but depression took hold and I didn’t go. I wasn’t too worried about my lungs, they felt ok, I was more concerned about what my mind was going through.

Things picked up the week after, my mood totally lifted. And just like before, when my mood dipped, I was unaware of the reason for the change. I was able to do the majority of my treatments and get some exercise in. Even with a tiny dip again in mood this week my hard work resulted in my lung functions returning to my baseline today, 10% higher than last month. I almost didn’t make it to clinic again though, I had a very frustrating morning and very little breakfast. Not how I like to start my day. I had to queue way too long for a space in the car park, I almost turned right around and went home. And to top it off the weather was atrocious. Grumble, grumble. Thankfully clinic went well and was pretty speedy. My CF doctor was pretty pleased about my health, but she did show concern for these mood swings I’ve been having. A trip to my GP for an increase in my anti depressant meds has been advised and to connect with my psychologist, which I did do after clinic.

I explained to my psychologist, to the best of my ability, about how I’ve been feeling. I told her I’ve not been worried or anxious about CF like I have been in the past. As a matter of fact I don’t remember feeling as positive about my health. I know how to take control of CF and make myself well, but depression just seems to cripple my motivation. I told her how I’ve felt good for nothing, how concentrating is difficult. I’ve been reading A Clash Of Kings since October for fucks sake! I know it’s a huge book, but I should have had it read by now! I’m way behind in my TV shows too, watching them doesn’t feel as fun as it used to. She asked if I was doing anything to challenge my brain, I talked about my creative writing. It’s be very difficult for a long time, I’ve felt that there just is no creativity there. She knows about my past artistic life and we talked about that, but again, creativity, lost. Frustrating, for something I’ve enjoyed so much since I could hold a pencil, I don’t feel good enough anymore.

After a bit more spilling my brain mush, she came to a conclusion that I need to carry on with my writing, drawing what ever, to help give myself my identity back. That seems to be what I’m missing. It made sense the way she worded it..

So, from now on, I’ve got to be kinder to myself. Not be so hard on myself and expect so much. Every sketch I draw is not going to be a masterpiece, I’m not going to write a best selling novel with my first attempt. I need to do the things I love for me, for the knowledge and lessons I will learn. I’ve nothing to prove to anyone.

Lauren x

This Too Shall Pass

Hello there 2012. You did kinda sneak up on us rather quickly, didn’t you!

Rob and I were awake to see in the New Year. Very few drinks were had, Rob was the only one that cheered, sarcastically. We kissed. Lovely. I’m pretty sure the fireworks that go off around where I live where about 10 minutes late though.. Rob then went to bed because he had to work in the morning. I stayed up and partied with Peter Tobin, John Wayne Gacy and Josef Fritzl on the telly. Pretty quiet and uneventful, just what I wanted as I was still feeling quite depressed. I think a few hours sleep that night and yesterday (at last) helped. Or it could have been the swearing. There was a lot of it yesterday, well, a lot considering I was home alone most of the day with only internet people to irritate me. My depression seemed to manifest into anger. The only way I could release it was to swear. I feel better for it, maybe I should swear more. We’ll see how the rest of the day/week pans out. A visit to the doc and the hospital to get my head seen to is still on the cards.

I do think it’s strange it’s not CF that seems to be the cause in this low mood. Usually that’s the case. I did well in 2011 by reaching a new higher baseline, I feel I’m on top of things. But this change in mood is really dragging me down, I think I could have even better control of my health if I could lift the depression. I’m concerned with the thoughts that often pop into my head and keep me awake.. With the obscene amount of hair I’m pulling from my scalp, strand by strand.. With the waves of panic that wash over me and other things.. I need to write this shit down, my brain will get muddled when I try to talk to someone about it. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way.

All I know is that I’ve been through similar episodes like this before, and I probably will again. It will end, and I’ll be ok.

I really hope I’m not coming across as a nutcase right now.. Forgive me for the depressing posts.

Bah Humbug Pt. 2

It’s over, for another year.  If you’re expecting to read a cheery festive post, you won’t.  Don’t expect any cheer whatsoever.  I’m not experiencing any excitement for the New Year either.  I’m sure I will be awake to see the New Year in, as my sleeping pattern is mega fucked up at the moment, just a few hours here and there throughout the day and night.  As a result I’m not feeling so great, in my mind rather than in my lungs.  The first couple of weeks of my New Year will include a call to my GP and psychologist, that’s if I man up enough to lift the phone.  I’m due a clinic appointment mid January, so I’ll not rush into getting in touch with my CF team, unless my lungs start to feel as depressed as my mind.

I’m not one for New Years resolutions, but I think for 2012 I will attempt to save more money.  I am itching to move out of this house, away from the mongs next door, the damp, dusty atmosphere and the address no one can find.  Did I mention the mongs next door?  It doesn’t help that I have my heart set on an unattainable location, close enough to my mum and dad, but far enough away from everyone else.  There will be a month of Sundays before I’m eligible for a mortgage!  So I guess all I can do is save and hope something affordable that I can rent and meets my desires turns up.  Fingers crossed.